…from “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz
You have developed the story of your life from a young age. This story has you believe certain things about you, has you act in certain ways, and you see the world in a particular way.
Other people, actually everyone, also have a story of their life. This story is deeply entrenched and is deeply held by the owner of the story. Remember it is only a story made up of experiences based on the environment the child was brought up in.
As people go about their life in the world, they hold attitudes, judgements and opinions of others, institutions, and themselves. When someone speaks to you harshly or criticizes you Don Miguel says, “Don’t take anything personally”.
As you understand that the story of your life is learned then you can unlearn it. If you have played the victim to criticisms then you can let this go when you understand the origin of your story.
In the reverse, you can also appreciate that the opinions you hold about others is based on your story and what you think you know about them not necessarily the truth of them.
With this understanding of your story and how to be in the world it will become a practice for you not to take anything personally. Move forward in your evolution based on your truth not your story
Howard Parsons
Don Miguel Ruiz wrote in the Four Agreements that we create our own reality through our word. That is what we say to our self and to others. We are the centre of our universe and the key player in the drama of our life.
It is a common trait to believe what we say about our self and to take in what others say about us. We have made up stories of our life from the earliest of times. We live by these stories. Our word is a powerful energy that is taken in by our mind and heart.
It is within the agreement that we decide what is true, what we are capable of and how to live. So, be aware of what you tell yourself about who you are.
Each of us is the artist of our life. The canvas we paint is done every day and one day at a time creates a life time. They add up until we look back and wonder where all the time has gone.
Be impeccable with your word. Do you realize the power of your word? It not only resonates inside of your heart and body, it also resonates out in the world. You cannot speak without your mark being left on the world you live in.
Be impeccable with your word, to yourself and all others.
Howard Parsons, Partner
Rebuilding Calgary
Are you finding yourself in a turn of events you never thought would be happening? Are you standing in a place where all of your “standard operating procedures “ seem to elicit responses that pull you further away from peace and leave you unclear about what rules to follow?
I remember being in that place. I found myself going down the path of divorce, learning of betrayal, and losing a career I truly loved which was my only means of income.
I recall a moment when time stopped, and my soul spoke, and I made a declaration that I was committed to taking this on. I realized when you choose actions that create serenity then serenity follows. Staying in the suffering I was feeling wasn’t an option and something I couldn’t sustain. However, what I did know was I couldn’t dig my heels in self righteousness and expect to have a life I love.
As I became aware of the minimal support I had, I decided to take action. I asked for help from professionals I could trust, I sold our matrimonial home and bought my new home and I started and created a successful real estate career I which I have amazing clients.
I have honoured the lessons of this journey, I have experienced romance again and I have recognized the gift of a new beginning.
I suggest you get going too. The best is yet to come!
I send you love
Dana
Within you is the capability of simply changing any pattern in your life that you want to change. You have the capability to create results and experiences that are beyond anything you have ever thought possible.
We limit ourselves by many attitudes about what is right and what is wrong most of the time we focus on what is wrong and therefore we negate any positive experiences coming into our life/.
Here is a simple practice that you can start that will change your attitudes, change your experiences and change the results you are getting.
First, accept that all aspects of nature work in harmony and cooperation. It is also true that you can know that all parts of you operate in cooperation and harmony.
Your physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, social and spiritual parts are all working in cooperation in your life to produce the experiences you find yourself in every moment of every day.
Here are three ideas that will allow you to participate in the quantum shift in your life.
First, set an intention. Once you know what that is for your life all aspects of the universe conspire to fulfill it.
Second, pay attention to the experiences that show up because all aspects of your life are operation in cooperation and harmony to create the quantum shift. Check in often with the voice of your heart.
Third, bring an attitude of joy to every day, expecting the best!
Howard Parsons
I had the wonderful experience of being in nature this week; surrounded by mountains, trees, rivers. It was truly amazing to golf in the early morning with the grass still wet; a deer and her fawns casually strolled across the tee box without a care in the world. It was such a calm and centered space that we saw a black bear and her cub alongside the fairway and a coyote actually came on the fairway and took one of the lady’s balls. What was interesting to me was that the animals had adjusted to our presence on a daily basis and made it part of their world but what made me wonder was observing that the people around us were so preoccupied with when they teed off, who would slow them down, how they could better their game from yesterday etc, they hadn’t “stepped in”. They were all so focused on their past or their future that they totally missed the miracle standing in front of them in the now. I wondered, if they could simply let go of the score, the people, the last bad shot, the next best shot and STOPPED and looked at the possibilities all around them what would their day be like then? What will your day be like? Will you choose to stay hung up on your past or being fearful of your future or will you choose to stay in the now and be part of the miracles that are happening all around you?
Lori Landels
Partner and Life Coach, Rebuilding Calgary
The passionate gardener sits with a cup of tea in the winter leafing through seed catalogues and garden design magazines.
Their mind is filled with the vision of spring with the colours, types and placement of the plants in the garden. The garden rests beneath the winter snow awaiting the warmth of the spring sun. There is a knowing in the heart of the gardener and the garden itself those warmer times will soon arrive.
The hope of the gardener is not dampened by the chill of the air, the cold winds or the heavy snow. Their passion is strong for their love and their intention is clear.
Spring arrives as it always will and the gardener goes out onto the moist earth to till the soil and uproot old growth. Their passion drives them forward in the face of a huge job to get the garden ready for planting.
All the while, the gardener holds hope, intention and passion as precursors to the beautiful garden that will take bloom. Then they take action one day at a time.
There are winters in every life and spring will always come. It does not necessarily look like we expected but it comes none the less.
As you hold hope, intention and passion for your life the results will unfold in response to your patient action, one day at a time. Your life will flourish under your tender loving care.
Howard Parsons, Partner, Rebuilding
Getting divorced is the hardest thing I have ever have had to do, but
it also cracked me open and I found a better me. One that I had forgotten was there.
One of my goals from the very beginning was to walk with grace and dignity through the ending.
Most days I achieved this, others I stumbled. And when I stumbled, I
knew it. We are all human; I forgave myself, learned the lesson that was shown to me and started fresh.
I had a role model, someone I didn’t want to be. They are at every kids sporting or dance event wanting to tell you what their ex did to them and how they had been tossed aside. They secretly work behind the scenes to turn the kids against the
other parent. This group of people usually are the ones fighting in
court over the toaster.
My muse was very lonely all her friends had abandoned her as there is no joy in hate. I made sure I had one person to unload all my troubles on, one person to hold the secrets. This kept me on my path with gratitude for her listening to me during the tough times.
To the rest of the world I was working through it, finding a new life, and my favourite, taking one day at a time. My favourite line in the Walt Disney Classic Bambi is said by Thumper the rabbit “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Words to live by.
My intention is to walk through this journey with grace and dignity
Janet Shostak, Founder, Karma Sisters
So, all of a sudden, perhaps out of the blue, here you are – separated. Not what you planned, not what you dreamed about. Whether you’re the one who made the decision or you’re the one who received the pronouncement, or even if you decided this together, you each have at least one emotion in common – Fear.
It may not look or even feel like fear. You may be angry, you may be sad, you may be relieved AND underneath all that will undoubtedly be a healthy dose of fear. Why? Because you are stepping out into the unknown. And the media and possibly your “helpful” supporters that surround you will fuel that fear with statistics, sensational stories, anecdotes about what happened to them or their brother or their friend or the woman/man down the street. No matter how your soon-to-be-ex partner may appear to you, whether an emotional basket case or a cold, unfeeling monster (to cite the extremes) – we are all afraid. For the future, for our children, for our reputation and most significantly (no matter how righteously we claim otherwise) – for ourselves.
And that’s OK! It’s natural, it’s reasonable, it’s predictable. Go ahead, feel the fear and the anger and the sadness and the relief. Feel it; express it in writing, in painting, in motion and verbally (with the right people – not your children!). More problems are created by denying, repressing, glossing over than will ever be caused by reasoned expression.
Where the problem lies for many separating couples working their way through the logistics of their separation is not in the existence of emotion or the expression of emotion but rather in the hijacking of life, reason and capacity by the emotions themselves. When people enter into whatever process they chose to use to deal with all the logistical aspects of their separation (be it mediation, collaborative law or even (aargh!) litigation) if they haven’t drawn a distinction between the emotional impact of the separation and the logistical impact of the separation they have set the stage for an emotional hijack of their lives. The house the kids and the dog are no longer the house the kids and the dog, they are the answers to the healing of my fear.
It is my contention that separation is 80% an emotional process, 15% logistical and 5% legal. Keep the 80% out of the remaining 20% and you set the stage for a healthy, enriching healing process which will result in possibilities for your life that you had never thought possible.
Jane is a Registered Family Mediator and provides her services to separating and divorcing couples through her company, Civilized Divorce.
A colleague of mine coined the phrase “Divorce the house, before the spouse!”
The decision to keep the matrimonial home as part of your divorce negotiations is often an emotional one! The decision to keep the largest family asset should be based on dollars and cents!
At least one parent of the relationship often wants to keep the house for stability for the children because as parents we all want what is best for our children, but is this decision best for us? We have often built memories and shared happy times in the family home and we worry that change will be too difficult for everyone. We worry that the task of packing and moving will be too overwhelming. Will moving affect where our children go to school and the friends they play with?
These emotional considerations often cloud our judgment and we do not put enough stock in all of the financial considerations. If we take on an obligation which we then cannot easily pay for, the stress may become unmanageable.
Before insisting that you must keep the house for the children, give serious thought to all of the ramifications; you owe it to yourself and your children. After all, “A house is just a house, until we make it a home”.
Sharon Numerow
I decided to accept a challenge a few weeks ago and found it to be very enlightening. The basic theory was that since we attach a meaning to everything that takes place in our lives then we have the power to choose meanings that serve us instead of hold us back. The challenge was to find the “good” in every aspect of life, from the most mundane, to the most difficult and most obvious aspects of life. Simple enough, right…?
Each day, I wrote about the gifts received and the gifts given in as many moments or situations throughout the day as possible. Writing about the “good” was simple enough but the real challenge was to find gifts in moments or situations that I perceived to be “bad or not so great moments”. I found writing about the gifts I received from others was easier than recognizing or acknowledging the gifts I gave to others. Quite telling if you think about it…The real fun part was taking the not so great moments and trying to reframe them into something positive or what could be learned to take forward as an experience of my life. Believe me easier said than done. My crowning moment was trying to find the lesson or joy in the situation when I had to take the cat to the vet. Now my cat is not a fan of being in the car and ended up by upsetting him so much that he defecated in the car… not fun but I had to laugh at the situation and reminded myself of the challenge. So I sarcastically at the time, stayed open to the exercise to see how I could possibly find the good in this mess. Low and behold within 5 minutes the vet wanted a stool sample… tada!!! I dare you to take the same challenge. It was very informative and really kept me in the moment of the day, even the crazy moments. Try it you might find you like it…
Lori Landels
